I hate this whole concept of acceptance.  I hate giving up.  And it’s been very, very hard for me to learn the difference between giving up trying, and gracefully surrendering to something you can’t control.

Oh, hell.  Honestly, I still haven’t learned it.  I really, truly can’t usually tell the difference at all.  It makes me sick with misery to not have any control over the the things that are important to me.  I remember when E was little she used to try so hard to be the grownup in her family, to control what all the crazy, scary adults did and didn’t do, and she couldn’t – how could she? – and I used to tell her, over and over:  “You are not in charge of them.  You are in charge of you.  Do a good job being in charge of you.  That’s the most anybody can do.”

I tell myself this, over and over.


Here’s a lovely article on this theme:  Shonda Rimes, of Grey’s Anatomy, etc., on adoption

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The sense of danger must not disappear The way is certainly both short and steep However gradual it looks from here Look if you like, but you will have to leap. ~ W H Auden

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